


No More Hiding

by swshawnee



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 00:38:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3467906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swshawnee/pseuds/swshawnee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wonshik wonders about Hakyeon's orientation, even though he has no idea what it means.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No More Hiding

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic of Adam Lambert's Aftermath.

_You feel the weight of lies and contradictions that you live with every day.  
It's not too late. Think of what could be if you rewrite the role you play._

 

 

The first time Wonshik wonders about Hakyeon's sexual orientation, it is a nonsensical thought, one that forms simply because it can. The two of them and Hongbin are alone in the dorm; Hongbin is sprawled out on the couch with his feet in Hakyeon's lap while their leader lazily flips through a magazine. A movie is playing on their TV, but Wonshik is perched on the floor with his laptop open, so Hongbin is the only one who really pays attention to the plot. 

"Oh," Hongbin gasps as one of his favorite actresses enters the story, "there she is!" Wonshik throws a glance at the television, amused. "She's so gorgeous, isn't she?" he says, turned towards Hakyeon, who still hasn't looked up from his magazine. Annoyed with the lack of response, Hongbin stabs his heel into the elder’s thigh. "Hyung!" 

"Huh, what?" Hakyeon says then, turning his attention towards the TV. 

"Isn't she gorgeous?" Hongbin repeats then, eyes full of admiration, like a schoolboy experiencing his very first love and the flutters, the obliviousness to all the hurt that is to come. 

"Yeah," Hakyeon says non-committedly, going back to his magazine again. "Beautiful." 

Hongbin looks a little offended at that, and Wonshik wants to laugh, because Hakyeon should know better than to insult his imaginary girlfriend by calling her beautiful when she is clearly so much more than that. "She's a ten," he says when Hongbin turns his gaze towards him, looking for support. "Very hot." 

Hongbin's head falls back against the arm rest, and Wonshik's eyes fall upon their leader again. It's odd, he thinks, how uncaring he is about a subject that would make most guys their age red around the ears with excitement – that is, of course, the guys that actually like women. 

They don't talk about homosexuality. Out of all the thousands and again thousands of subjects their group has covered during their time together, Wonshik can't remember a time when it has come up once. But that's all good, he thinks; straight male friends don't talk about things like that. Just like how they don't talk about how scared they are of losing each other, of accidentally being the cause of hurt for one another, or anything else that might make them seem weak. Or make someone uncomfortable.

That's the worst thing that can happen in a relationship, of course. Becoming uncomfortable. And that's a very fine line to balance on. 

That's why Wonshik says nothing out loud, but goes back to his computer with thoughts racing in his head. He tries to think of signs that maybe Hakyeon isn't straight, but then he remembers countless interviews, the hundreds of times Hakyeon has answered the question: "What's your ideal type?", and that will have to do, he thinks. How many times have they heard about Hakyeon's love for Seohyun by now? Last time he checked, Seohyun wasn't very male. If she is, she  _definitely_ isn't in the right group. Or perhaps she is, and they just need a name change. 

He laughs. That's enough. That's enough.   
  
  
   
  
  
  
But he finds, inevitably, that it is hard to stop thinking about it once he has started. At fan sign events, in interviews, on the radio, the question of girls and ideal types keeps coming, and every time Hakyeon will reply: "Someone kind, someone wise, someone who's innocent, someone who dances well," and Wonshik suddenly doesn't take much comfort in those replies anymore. If he listens carefully and searches for something that will specifically say  _girl,_ he finds exactly what he wants. Hakyeon answers the questions diligently. But if he turns it around, and tries to find something that says  _boy,_ hidden in Hakyeon's answers somewhere he doesn't want anyone to see, those things are easy to find, too. And there's a thoughtfulness on his face every time he's about to answer the question, a thoughtfulness that isn't explained by Hakyeon's standard reply; why does he keep thinking about it if he's always going to give the same answer? 

And so they go through their days like they always have, and when Jaehwan is happy, so are the rest of them. When Jaehwan is tired, Hakyeon takes over. And when Hakyeon is tired, he throws fits that neither of the others has the ability to stop. Wonshik and Taekwoon take turns to talk him down and make him realize that once he's had some rest, things won’t seem too bad, and he'll be fine, but recently Wonshik has been wondering if there isn't something else behind those angry tears and harsh words that the others can't understand, and that's why they can't calm him down easily. 

Wonshik wonders sometimes why he cares so much. He hasn't given a lot of thought as to what he really thinks of homosexuality and gay people – is it wrong? Is it gross? Or is it none of his business? Does it matter at all? He shrugs at himself, and he's mostly neutral about it. It isn't really about finding out whether Hakyeon is gay or straight or otherwise, it's about knowing their leader. It's about finding out what struggles he's going through, and perhaps helping him on the way to... to what, exactly? What exactly is Wonshik going to say to him once he finds out what he is? 

He doesn't know. He just wants to help him on the way to whatever it is that can make these tantrums stop. For all of their sakes. 

  
  
  
  
  
He gets his answer one night after a company get-together. 

Hakyeon has a  _lot_ to drink. More, Wonshik guesses, than all the other guests combined. He's normally keen on getting as much rest as possible, but this night he stays through noisy music and clinking glasses of wine, even as the other members leave, talking and laughing and singing with Seo Inguk and a few other colleagues of theirs. Wonshik sees it as his moral responsibility to stay and make sure Hakyeon gets home alright, so he stays with them silently, sipping on his bitter wine to make the whole situation a little easier to suffer through. 

He doesn't realize just how drunk Hakyeon is until he has to put his arm around his back and drag him into the elevator of their building. The older hangs onto him as it takes off, breathing heavily into his neck, and Wonshik is buzzed enough not to care, even though Hakyeon smells like smoke and is pressed against him just a little too close. He needs sleep – he doesn't even know what time it is – and he's worried about what things are going to be like in the morning, because if Wonshik knows alcohol right, Hakyeon is going to be very regretful of all the fun he's had tonight when he wakes up. 

The others are already sleeping when they enter the dorm; they're all exhausted, just like Wonshik and Hakyeon, of course. Wonshik removes Hakyeon's shoes and worries he's going to fall asleep right there on the floor, so he hurries, and then they make their way to the room Hakyeon shares with Jaehwan, Hongbin and Taekwoon. Hakyeon falls flat on his bed the minute they get there, despite Wonshik's attempts to hold him back. 

"Wait," he says, and with Hakyeon's dead weight on the bed it's difficult to pull the cover out from underneath his hyung. "Sit up for a second." 

Hakyeon doesn't react, so Wonshik pushes his hand in beneath Hakyeon's shoulders and pull him up. The other lets out a surprised giggle at that, and Wonshik's ears are ringing with drunkenness and exhaustion. He lets Hakyeon flop back down on the bed. "Now lift your ass," he says, and Hakyeon huffs, pushing his feet down on the mattress and lifting his butt in the air so that Wonshik can ease out the sheets and pull them over Hakyeon's still clothed body. "I'm not going to undress you," he whispers as he realizes it. "You can do that yourself if you want." 

"Okay," Hakyeon says, eyes already closed, breathing loudly in that special way you only do when you're too drunk to do anything about it. 

Wonshik is about to turn around and leave, but somehow he takes pity in the other man, because all he was trying to do tonight was to unwind, and tomorrow it will only seem like he was fighting problems with bigger problems. He sinks down on the edge of Hakyeon's bed, cursing his own inability to just not care. "Did you have fun tonight?" he whispers.

"Mm," Hakyeon murmurs. "But I'm scared that Inguk hyung hates me." 

"Why would he hate you?" Wonshik asks, brushing away the other's messy bangs from his forehead. "He likes joking around with you, you know that. He's a good guy." 

"I guess," Hakyeon whispers back. Wonshik looks over to the other beds, but none of the other members have moved since they got back. "I'm probably just scared that he hates me because he's so hot." 

Wonshik swallows. The obsessive cogwheels in his head go into overdrive. "Is he?" 

Hakyeon sighs dreamily. "Yeah." 

And Wonshik isn't quite sure what to say to that. Is this a good time to ask Hakyeon about his sexuality? Probably not. There's never a good time for that. Plus, Hakyeon is very drunk right now and he shouldn't take advantage of that. But then again, so is Wonshik. And that makes it a little more okay. "Isn't it a little narcissistic of you to say that he's hot, when you two are so alike?" 

Hakyeon laughs hoarsely at that, rolling over on his side, still with his eyes closed. His lower thighs lean against Wonshik where he sits, the warmth of them seeping through the sheets instantly. "Don't you think he's handsome?"

Wonshik frowns. "I don't know." He doesn't really think about it. 

Hakyeon snorts. "Of course not. How silly of me. Cause you're all... like that." 

And despite how much he wants to know, Wonshik knows that it's wrong to talk about this now. A drunken choice isn't always a genuine one, so even if Hakyeon tells him now that he's gay, or bisexual, or whatever else, it isn't necessarily right. "I'm going to bed," he announces softly. "I'll get you some water before I go." 

He makes to stand up, but Hakyeon grips his arm weakly. "Ravi-yah," he says, pulling on his arm until Wonshik is much closer than he should be. He circles his arms around the back of his neck, eyes open, red and intense. "You wouldn't mind a friendly encounter, would you?" 

It takes him a few moments, but when Wonshik realizes what that means, his first instinct is to shave his head and leave the country, run somewhere far away. Preferably somewhere much warmer. But then he thinks about what is being offered here; Hakyeon's lean body, warm and flexible, and Wonshik's brain has time to remember that he's not too clear on how sex between two men would work, before he realizes what the fuck is happening here. 

Shit. He's much drunker than he thought. 

" _Jesus_ , hyung," he says, removing one of Hakyeon's arms from around his neck. 

"Come on," Hakyeon slurs. "Would it be so bad?" 

"I'm not going to talk about this," Wonshik says. For some reason he's uncomfortably warm. He removes Hakyeon's other arm from around his neck too, and the older falls down onto the bed with a thud and a small grunt. Wonshik eyes the other members again, but they show no signs of life. 

"Fine," Hakyeon says, closing his eyes and rolling over on his side, facing Wonshik. "I'll just see to myself, then." A sly smile spreads on his face. 

"You do that," Wonshik laughs, and gets off the bed. "But please wait until I've gotten you some water." 

"Hmm," Hakyeon says slowly, and laughs into his pillow. His laugh is drunken, dragged out and happily oblivious to how much he's going to regret this in the morning. It's good, Wonshik thinks, and as he returns to the room with three full glasses of water to place on Hakyeon's nightstand, the other man is still smiling. Wonshik stands in the doorway for a while, just watching him, and it's clear that Hakyeon isn't going to see to anything tonight. 

The reality of everything hits him when he undresses and gets into his own bed, cold in comparison to Hakyeon's. But he feels like the only thing he really learned tonight is that Hakyeon is a very, very horny drunk.  
  
  
  
  
Wonshik wakes up the next morning with a general feeling of instability as the only trace of the night before. He remembers everything clearly, but it takes him a while to think it all through and make sense of the whispered conversation he had with Hakyeon, and he's horrified when he remembers how shamelessly they talked about things like that in the presence of the other members, because what if they heard? Wonshik and Hakyeon were both drunk and obviously not in shape to judge whether or not the others could hear them. 

He jumps out of bed to do some damage control, but the first thing he does is check in on Hakyeon. He realizes the other man is already up, as are the other members, and he notes with relief that all three of the glasses he put on the nightstand are empty. He enters the living room and hears the other members go around their breakfast in the kitchen, and he decides that he doesn't want to face Hakyeon in front of everyone else. So, he sits down on the couch and waits. 

It is another thirty minutes until he gets Hakyeon to himself. The others walk into the living room one at a time, until only Hakyeon remains in the room, and Wonshik rushes past Jaehwan, the last to leave the room. He finds Hakyeon by the table, playing with his phone and half-heartedly eating a bowl of cereal. "Morning, hyung," Wonshik says and Hakyeon looks up. 

He looks crushed. "Morning," he replies, and if he notices Wonshik's nervous state he doesn't comment on it. 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Like shit," Hakyeon replies honestly. He pushes a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, chewing them very slowly, as if the action itself is too much for his mind to bear. "Did you leave me the water on my nightstand?" 

Wonshik nods, heart beating a little faster. 

"Thanks, Wonshik-ah," he says with a bright smile, one that is very Hakyeon, despite the fatigue on his face. "I kind of remember that you held me up when I was about to pass out."

"No problem," Wonshik says, and then he moves through the room to get himself something to eat. He's annoyed, truly, that Hakyeon doesn't seem to remember their conversation, and he doesn't know how to bring it up. If the other man really doesn’t remember, Wonshik isn't sure he can bring himself to repeat his words out loud. And somehow, the whole thing pisses him off. Hakyeon made a freaking  _pass at him_ , for crying out loud. "So," he says, "have you heard from Inguk hyung yet?" 

He stands at the kitchen counter with his back turned towards him, but when Hakyeon speaks he can see his confused expression for his inner eye. "No, why? Should I have?" 

Wonshik turns around. Hakyeon sits with his spoon in his hand, his body half twisted in his chair to look at him. "I just figured," Wonshik starts, leaning against the counter as Hakyeon takes another bite of his cereal, "that you guys would keep in touch. You know, since you think he's so hot."

He feels better when Hakyeon freezes at the words. His jaws stop moving against each other and the crunching falls quiet, just like the rest of the room, and Hakyeon's eyes widen as he remembers their conversation –  _Inguk hyung_ first,  _Ravi-yah_ later. 

"Oh my god," he breathes. "Oh my god.  _Oh my god_ ." The words become louder and his eyes become even wider as more details become clear to him, Wonshik imagines, and when the last  _oh my god_ falls over his lips, Wonshik is sure that Hakyeon remembers the offer he put on the table last night. Then he chews the last of his cereal in his mouth, gets up off his chair and holds his hands up, as if to say  _don't shoot, I am unarmed._ "Wonshik, oh my god, I am so sorry, I don't know what came over me, I— I was just really, really drunk and I don't think— I honestly don't think I even knew who I was talking to."

Wonshik feels relieved, and at the same time very unsatisfied. Hakyeon isn't moving closer, isn't standing next to him like he would usually; any excuse to hug or be hugged, any excuse to touch or be touched. He's like that, Hakyeon, very physical and his body language is dramatic. It doesn't mean anything. "Is there something we need to talk about?" Wonshik asks, and Hakyeon's eyes are terrified. 

"No!" he exclaims. "No. God, no, Wonshik, I swear to you, I only did it because I was that drunk." 

"Uh-huh," Wonshik says, unimpressed. "You were simply drunk enough to hit on your male friends? No big deal?" 

Hakyeon looks appalled. He scratches at his neck, staring at the wall somewhere behind Wonshik. "You-you know what it's like, this job. You don't really get an outlet for your... uhm... drive." 

Wonshik wants to remind him that he wasn't very shy the night before, so now is probably not the time to be all blushing and mindful of his language. Hell, he had already offered him his  _body_ . What was left to protect from each other now? "Are you sure there's nothing we should talk about?" Wonshik pries. "Because if there is, we should work it out right now." 

Hakyeon shakes his head. "There's nothing to talk about. I'm just an insane drunk, I guess." 

Wonshik nods then, disappointment welling up from somewhere unknown. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go. They weren't supposed to be back at square one again, not with this many questions in the air between them. And Wonshik knows that from now on, things between the two of them will be that much more complicated, but he can't make the other man do things he doesn't want to, so he turns to leave the room. 

He doesn't get far before Hakyeon catches his wrist in his hand and the spoon hits his bowl with a loud clink. Wonshik waits, and Hakyeon asks him to do just that: "Wait." He wonders what for, why is he waiting? But then Hakyeon leans past him and swings the door shut, blocking out the sound of the television from the next room. 

They stare at each other, and Hakyeon looks sorry now, like he's begging for forgiveness for what he's about to say. Wonshik simply stands there, staring, not sure how to tell him not to worry about something he's not sure if he's worrying about himself. 

So there it is. Wonshik still doesn't know how he feels about homosexuality. And now that it's time to deal with it, he wishes he hadn't pried to begin with. 

Hakyeon sighs. "I'm gay," he says. Then he shrugs, and his face says  _that's just the way it is._

Wonshik stares. 

 

 

 

Today is their last day of rest before meetings, recordings and preparations for their next comeback will begin. They're still tired from recent promotions, but it's okay. The first part of preparations is the calmest. And they're all very satisfied with the choice of concept this time, based on one of Hongbin's ideas. They're all itching to start working on it.

But today will not be about that, Wonshik already knows. Because Hakyeon leaves his bowl of half-eaten breakfast in the kitchen and comes with him into his and Sanghyuk's room, where Wonshik sits on his bed, and Hakyeon throws himself down on Sanghyuk's. The blinds are down, so the room is dark. It helps the anxiety in Wonshik's chest to grow. 

"I feel like I'm going to be sick," Hakyeon says, and now he's not like himself at all, anymore. 

"Should I get you a bucket?" Wonshik asks, and he's relieved, from the tips of his fingers down to his toes, that he still cares about his leader. He's not  _that_ much of a bad person after all. 

Hakyeon shakes his head, but Wonshik's gratefulness seems to have spread all the way to him. "Fuck," he says, and Wonshik agrees. "God fucking damnit. Fuck." Then he sighs, looking at Wonshik through the darkness. "I don't know what to say." 

Wonshik clears his throat, leaning his elbows on his thighs where he sits. "How long have you known?" he asks, and in a way, he just wants to break the silence in a way that doesn't require him to talk. 

"Since... about the time I auditioned for Jellyfish," he replies slowly, staring at the ceiling. "But that's not important. There are some things you should know." 

Wonshik decides that asking questions is bad. He also decides that he doesn't really care. "Shoot," he says. 

"I'm gay, yes, but I'm also not really gay." Wonshik is sure Hakyeon probably meant it as an explanation, but it is everything but. So he frowns, wondering how a person is gay but not really gay, and Hakyeon continues: "Pretending I'm straight has become such a normal part of my life that I'm starting to think I might be able to believe it someday." 

Wonshik is aware he doesn't know what the other is talking about, the words taste bitter even as he breathes them in. "Is that possible?" he asks. 

Hakyeon merely shrugs. "If it is, then that's great." Wonshik doesn't know if he should agree or not, so he simply waits. "I mean, it'd be better for VIXX if I was straight, right?" 

There's a weight in his stomach as he considers what would happen if this information got out. He was young when one of the industry's only gay people, Hong Seokcheon, came out of the closet, only seven years old, much too young to understand what was going on. And now, now that Wonshik is much older, Seokcheon is doing variety shows, more or less accepted, but he stands alone. And Wonshik knows he has had to spend a lot of time away from the spotlight, as no one wanted to work with him for the longest time. 

So now he is, inevitably, worried about what might happen in the future. "I suppose so," he agrees, sees a flicker of hurt on the other's face, and immediately regrets it. "I mean— I didn't mean it like that, I just... I was thinking about what would happen if the press found out." 

"Oh, believe me, I know," Hakyeon says, almost sarcastically, and Wonshik wishes they could start over. "I've spent enough time thinking about this. I know exactly how bad it would be." 

Wonshik plays with his hands. "Maybe it won't always be that way," he suggests, but he feels silly as he does so. Like a doctor telling his cancer patient: "If you wait long enough, maybe the pain will go away." 

"Nothing's going to change unless people come out," Hakyeon replies. "And the industry won't accept anyone who does. If anyone dares to do it, we'll continue to set bad examples for each other and scare each other into silence." He shrugs again. "It's hopeless." And he tries hard to sound casual about it, Wonshik notices, but the desperation that lies beneath isn't as well hidden as Hakyeon thinks. 

But Wonshik can't argue with him on this. He's obviously out of his depth here, while Hakyeon probably spends hours – days? on end thinking about this. "It must be hard for you," he opts for saying, and Hakyeon gives him an unhappy laugh. "I mean, I don't understand how you go through answering the same questions about girls over and over when you don't even..." He gestures aimlessly to not have to finish his sentence. 

Hakyeon purses his lips as he considers it. "No, see, the questions and the interviews aren't what makes it difficult. Spewing out some random crap about kind girls and curly hair isn't difficult. All I have to do is say a few words, and then they'll leave it alone. You know?" he says, pulling himself up into a sitting position. Wonshik says nothing. "It's over in a moment. What's really hard is... knowing that it will never change." He looks hollow, and Wonshik shudders. "That I can never even begin to search for someone I like... and that if I find them anyway, I can't do anything other than let them pass me by." 

And just like that, Wonshik is ashamed. For thinking that the biggest pain that could come out of this is the one for the group, getting banned from broadcast stations and not getting to sing their songs on stage, for so completely disregarding what Hakyeon is going through, and has been going through right before his eyes without his knowledge. "I'm really sorry," he says, and most of all he's apologizing for being so oblivious. But Hakyeon gives him a funny look, like Wonshik is expressing his condolences for the straight part of Hakyeon that has just died.

"What are you thinking?" Hakyeon asks. 

Wonshik dreads replying to the question, but he knows, of course, that the other man is more scared than he is. So he takes a deep breath, stalls for time and says: "I kind of feel like an idiot." 

Hakyeon cocks an eyebrow at him. "Why?" 

"Because I never noticed," Wonshik says, shrugging. "Because you've been going through all this crap right in front of me all this time. I'm literally the suckiest friend in the history of friendship." 

Hakyeon huffs. "You know, it kind of makes me happy hearing you say that," he says, sitting on his knees. 

Bewildered, Wonshik stares at the older. "Why?"

"Because it proves I'm hiding it well." 

They stare at each other again, and Wonshik is overwhelmed by a sense of having lost himself, of being on a completely different plane than Hakyeon, who he has known for so long, been through so much with, and it takes a while for him to realize that he just hates the thought of Hakyeon hiding any part of himself. 

"You think so too, don't you?" Hakyeon says then. "You find it repulsive." 

"What?" Wonshik asks breathlessly.

"You think gay people are disgusting," Hakyeon says, almost casually. Like it's a truth he has long since accepted. 

"I don't," Wonshik argues. "Why would you think that?" 

And Hakyeon sends him a suspicious glare. "It's better if you tell the truth, remember?" he says. "Otherwise we can't work past it."

"I don't think it's  _disgusting,_ " Wonshik says, firmer this time, raising his hands to make little quotation marks in the air. "I've never said anything like that." 

"Not to your recollection maybe," Hakyeon mumbled. Wonshik suddenly feels dangerously close to a panic attack. "But okay. If you don't, then great."

"I don't," he repeats. 

"I believe you." 

He wants to complain about Hakyeon's readiness to fake himself, so he tries, but what comes out sounds more than an accusation than anything else. "Why are you so negative about this?" 

Hakyeon stares him dead in the eye. " _Me_ ?" he says, and Wonshik has to look away. "Ravi, please."  _Ravi-yah, you wouldn't mind a friendly encounter, would you?_ "If you knew what it was like..." 

"Okay," Wonshik interrupts, "that came out wrong. But hyung, I wish you wouldn't try to change yourself." 

Hakyeon seems taken aback by this, and Wonshik wonders for the hundredth time what he's doing wrong. "What choice do I have?" 

"You should be who you are," Wonshik says, and he truly believes that. At least for the moment. "You know, if you ever find someone you love, the media doesn't necessarily have to find out about it." 

"I couldn't risk that," Hakyeon argues. "It's not just my career we're talking about, but yours, and the others', too. I'm supposed to be the leader of you lot." 

"I know," Wonshik agrees reluctantly. 

"Besides, I could never tell the others. I wasn't planning on ever letting you find out," Hakyeon says with a tilted smile. "The day I tell Taekwoon is the day that I die." 

Wonshik's mind does a sweep of all the people in Hakyeon's life, from the group members, to friends, to staff workers, to his parents and extended family, and more weight is added to his shoulders. There are simply too many ways being open about himself could go wrong. 

"You'll always have us, hyung," he says quietly. Hakyeon looks at him seriously for a few moments, but then he melts into a warm smile, one that's familiar as the Hakyeon Wonshik knows – the fake one. 

Wonshik's stomach churns. "Thank you, Wonshik-ah," Hakyeon says, and would have been a normal day, he would have stood up, walked over to him and laid his hand on his wrist, but today is far from a normal day. 

They remain in the dark room, just looking at each other. Wonshik feels like he still understands nothing, nothing at all. 

 

  
  
  
He does what any man his age would do, and goes online. 

He sees pictures from gay pride parades in the US, reads about gay marriage in Holland, watches videos of western artists that come out of the closet and becomes icons for a new generation of homosexuals. 

It's all fun and games for a short while, until more and more articles start popping up in his search results: hate crimes, suicides, gay cures, and more. He's worried until he enters one particular site which states that gay people are about three times more likely to commit suicide than straight people, and that's when he decides he comes down firmly against Hakyeon being gay. 

But of course, he understands now, it doesn't work that way. It's precisely for reasons like this that gay people want to kill themselves. But he entertains the thought for a second, imagines receiving the news that Hakyeon has chosen to end his life, and he has to get up from the computer and walk a few laps around his room, because this is insane. This can't be happening. 

He knows only a few things, which is considerably better than before. 

One: He doesn't want Hakyeon to die. 

Two: What he wants Hakyeon to do, is to stop hiding his identity. 

  
  
  
He has more problems to face than this, too. The temper tantrums that he thought would stop when Hakyeon opened up to him haven't stopped or calmed down, not even a little bit. In truth, Hakyeon seems angrier than ever in those rare moments that it happens, more sick of his current situation, and it makes Wonshik weak with worry. 

They're in the practice room, practicing their new choreography hard. They're all excited for it, but they're having trouble with a few parts of it – which isn't something uncommon; they always struggle with certain parts in the beginning. But for some reason, Hakyeon seems to see it as a serious problem that they don't have the whole thing down yet. 

"Hyuk, how many times do I have to tell you, go further to the left!" he shrieks, or "Taekwoon, you're not even trying! Now focus!" 

As usual, Hakyeon and Wonshik have learned the moves a little quicker than the rest of them, but it's not that the others aren't trying. That seems to be the case in Hakyeon's mind, though, as he completely disregards the others' sincere attempts, and at the end of practice, in the early hours of the morning, he calls them all amateurs, ignores them all until they get home and slams the bathroom door in their faces when they try to speak to him. 

Wonshik knows as well as the rest of the group that this is not Hakyeon. This isn't what he does. Most of the time, he is the epitome of good and kind-hearted, so something is obviously wrong. Sanghyuk takes it the hardest, just like he always has, while Hongbin tries to act nonchalant about the horrible guilt in the back of his mouth. Jaehwan catches Wonshik's eye, though, and they share the thought together, before Jaehwan nods towards him as a way of asking: "Will you see to it?", and Wonshik nods. He'll see to it. Because he's still the only one who knows. 

  
  
"Hyung, let's talk," he says as Hakyeon comes out from the bathroom. 

"What about?" he snaps, making sure to show how disinterested he is in whatever it is that Wonshik has to say. 

Wonshik grinds his teeth. "Let's go into my room." 

"Fine," Hakyeon says, marching towards the door without a backwards glance to the others. Wonshik leaves them with a reassuring smile before he follows his leader and closes the door behind them. "What?" Hakyeon says, standing with his back towards the window. The room is still dark. 

"Hyung, I think you should tell the others," Wonshik says at once, taking the bull by the horns. 

"Tell them what?" 

"You know. That you're gay." 

Hakyeon stares at him with his jaw clenched, irritation sparkling from his eyes. "And why would I want to do that?" 

"Look at you," Wonshik replies. "Something clearly isn't right, and it's pretty obvious what that something is." 

To his surprise, Hakyeon launches at him, grabbing him by the shoulder and holding up warning finger between their faces. "You know nothing," he hisses. "Don't talk to me as if you know what it's like." 

"You're right, I don't," Wonshik agrees once he's recovered from the shock. "So tell me. Tell all of us, so that this doesn't need to happen when you feel down."

Hakyeon releases him. "Feel down?" he repeats, and he seems apathetic for a second before he laughs in disbelief. He turns around, burying his face in his hands, and laughs uncontrollably. "I feel like I can't breathe," he says then, and his voice comes out muffled between his fingers. Wonshik feels a pang in his heart. "I'm so scared I feel like I could drop dead at any moment." 

"Scared of what?" Wonshik asks, walking up to the other man, grabbing his waist and spinning him around. 

Tears well up on Hakyeon's eyes. "Of someone finding out the truth. Of me never changing." 

"You won't change," Wonshik says, "never." And perhaps it's heartless, perhaps it doesn't seem right when the tears spill over Hakyeon's cheeks at the words, but Wonshik still feels like he's doing something right. "This is insane, hyung, you can't live your life expecting to magically become someone you're not." 

"Stop it," Hakyeon breathes, his hands covering his forehead again. "Stop it, Wonshik, don't bullshit me." 

"I'm not," Wonshik says, holding onto the other's lower arms. 

"Why are you saying all of this? What does it matter?" Hakyeon cries, hiding his tears behind his hands. 

Wonshik swallows heavily around the lump in his throat. "I don't want you to hate yourself." 

Hakyeon lowers his hands enough to look at him clearly. "I don't  _hate myself_ ," he spits, as if the thought in itself is absurd, but his cheeks are wet and his hands are shaking. "Doing what's best for all of us is not hating myself!" 

"You're listening to what people have said about homosexuals and you're taking it as truth," Wonshik says, and though he feels like he's hurting Hakyeon he tries his best to be strong. "You can protect the group while still being true to yourself, hyung, it doesn't have to be like this—" 

With a surprising amount of strength, Hakyeon pushes him away. Wonshik stumbles a few steps backwards, thinks he regains his balance, but falls down on the floor just in front of the door. He stares up at his leader, unable to process what just happened. Hakyeon stares back at him, and Wonshik's surprise is mirrored in his eyes where he stands.

Hakyeon gets on his knees in front of Wonshik, bracing himself on his hands. "Do you want me to go out there right now and tell them the truth so that they can hate me?" he asks, and Wonshik hasn't realized until now that Hakyeon thinks even the members would leave his side if they knew. The terror in his eyes suddenly seems a little clearer.

But it's still insane. 

"Have you forgotten who they are?" Wonshik asks back. "How can you think even for a moment that they would ever abandon you over something like this?" 

"Oh, please," Hakyeon cries. "Don't pretend like you don't know exactly how they feel about men kissing other men." 

"Fine, they aren't fond of kissing other guys, but that doesn't mean they couldn't accept someone else who is!" Wonshik almost yells, catches himself and lowers his voice. "For Christ’s sake, hyung, you are their leader! They look up to you!" 

"Because they don't know!" Hakyeon yells back, and then he falls forward, and Wonshik doesn't know if it's because he can't or doesn't want to support himself any longer, so Wonshik catches him in his arms and holds him close, with Hakyeon's chin resting on his shoulder and his body convulsing with sobs. 

"It wouldn't change anything," Wonshik mumbles, face leaned against Hakyeon's head. "Not a thing." 

"Yes, it would," Hakyeon stutters and hiccups. "They'd look at me weirdly and avoid me and I would never be able to hug them again without wondering what they're thinking." 

"You don't know that." Wonshik strokes the other's back as Hakyeon clutches at the back of his shirt. "You're not happy like this, hyung." 

"But they are." 

"They're not. They're worried about you. They're not blind, you know, they can tell something's wrong." 

Hakyeon sits up and breaks out of their embrace. "You seriously, really, 100% think I should tell them?" he asks, looking as though he didn't truly believe it until now. Wonshik nods, tries to be patient, and he doesn't know why it's so hard for him. 

Hakyeon wipes his tears, even though new ones replace them instantly. Wonshik feels glad somehow, relieved that Hakyeon lets himself fall apart like this instead of keeping it all inside, because it's cleansing, refreshing to see him actually pay attention to himself for once. "God, Wonshik," Hakyeon groans then as more tears well up, and he falls into Wonshik's embrace once more, this time, leaning his face against his shoulder and crying into his shirt. 

"It's okay," Wonshik soothes. "It's okay." 

And it actually rings true to him. He wonders if it's just for the moment. 

 

Some time later, the door opens carefully, and Jaehwan steps inside. He pushes the door almost shut behind him. They are still on the floor, still holding each other, and Hakyeon is still crying. He hasn't looked up or said a word for a long time, and Wonshik assumes this is simply what he needs right now. He looks up at Jaehwan when he enters. 

"What's wrong?" Jaehwan asks. "What happened?" 

Wonshik simply shakes his head without letting go of Hakyeon. Their leader doesn't like to show his weaknesses or talk about his problems in front of the younger members – only now Wonshik is sure there is more to it than that. "It's alright," he states without explanation. And he's thankful that it was Jaehwan, out of everyone, who entered the room, because Jaehwan has a tendency to spread whatever feeling that takes up the most space in him at the moment. If he's hyper, he knows how to get everyone else going (barred maybe Taekwoon), and when he's calm, he knows how to calm everyone else down, too. And he looks serious, worried, but very still. Wonshik feels like he can breathe a little easier. 

"Is there anything I can do?" Jaehwan asks. 

"Tell Sanghyuk to sleep in N hyung's bed tonight, okay?" Wonshik replies. "I think it's best we get to talk this out." 

"Alright," Jaehwan says, and then he leaves, reluctantly, shutting the door behind him. It's okay, Wonshik thinks, and when Hakyeon pulls back his eyes are full of gratefulness. Things will get better, he tells himself. They have to. 

He will make sure of it. 

 

  
  
"This is insane," Hakyeon mumbles from Sanghyuk's bed at some point during the night. 

Wonshik is half asleep. "What?" he asks. 

"You saying I should stop hating myself," Hakyeon clarifies. "That type of confidence would be very satisfying in the moment, I'm sure, but the risk is no joke. And I don't know what it would lead to other than maybe feeling a little better in the moment." 

Everything is warm, and Wonshik realizes he has been drooling a little in his sleep, with his face pressed into the pillow. "You could meet someone," he grunts.

"It's hard enough for idols to date non-celebrities, how could I ever find a guy?" 

Wonshik raises his eyebrows. "Do you think all idols apart from yourself are magically straight?" 

"Hm," Hakyeon says. "I suppose not. But I don't know how to find them." 

"Some of them are more open about themselves," Wonshik replies. His mind is already being drawn back to dreamland, and Hakyeon doesn't say anything else after that. 

Before he drifts back to sleep, Wonshik pictures what it would be like to date Hakyeon. He doesn't reach any conclusions before sleep claims his brain. 

  
  
  
  
  
Wonshik doesn't just go online to read up on homosexuality and its yays and nays. He realizes, with great interest, that human sexuality isn't just about being gay or straight or bisexual anymore, but there's a whole spectrum of other orientations that he's never heard of. He had no idea that some people don't experience sexual attraction at all, or that some only feel it when they've developed strong feelings for someone else, and when he finds out about pansexuality, he reads up on it with great interest. 

In the midst of everything he realizes rage is building up inside of him, because even though so many people are included in these groups, they are never represented anywhere, no matter where he looks. And he wonders dimly, how can a person ever be sure of their orientation if they have no information on what they mean? Even right now, Wonshik thinks the reason why he's confused about his possible attraction towards another man is because he's always thought it isn't supposed to be that way. 

He thinks of the night Hakyeon complained to him about Inguk's hotness, specifically the moment when he asked Wonshik to have sex with him. It makes his ears heat up, and he's sure if the offer had been placed on his table right now, he would say no. But he can't deny that in the moment when it happened, he was tempted. 

And it's that, more than anything, that leads him to wonder if he really is straight, after all. 

He thinks about it for a long time, but what with their comeback coming up they hardly see anyone new, and they rarely have time to think about sex that involves other people, so Wonshik immediately finds himself stuck. Luckily, of course, there is still the internet. 

The whole thing honestly freaks him out a little bit, and he wants to make sure he's still who he always was, so he chooses some nice, normal, ordinary porn to start him off, the kind where a plumber comes to her house and then suddenly there are breasts everywhere. And he's relieved, in a gross way that makes him dislike himself a little more, that he still enjoys it, he's still attracted to women and all their wondrous curves and bends. 

So, feeling a little surer of himself and the hardness between his thighs, he enters the gay section of the site. He scrolls through thumbnails with the volume on low, headphones placed securely on his head with one ear free, just in case Sanghyuk would wake up and ask him what he was up to, and his stomach is a knot of arousal as he does so. He decides that he can't know what he would like on the first try and just presses a video randomly, and he bites nervously at his fingernails as he watches all sixteen minutes of the footage. 

He disappears off to the bathroom afterwards, too hard to even walk properly, and he doesn't know what to think about when he relieves himself in the silence and darkness of their bathroom, so he doesn't think about anything at all, just revels in the lingering lust he collected earlier, and after he comes, he sits on the toilet with the lid down just to feel himself breathe. Alive. 

He's messing with important things now, and he knows that maybe his life would be easier if he just left it alone. But with every day, he feels more through with pretending, angrier at the world for not letting Hakyeon be who he is. So he refuses to slow down. 

  
  
  
  
  
Wonshik finds Hakyeon in the kitchen one day, cutting apples in half. There are small bowls of crackers and other snacks placed on the counter in front of him, and Wonshik snatches one for himself. 

"What's the occasion?" he asks, and Hakyeon gives him a reprimanding glare. 

"Just serving some snacks for the kids," he replies. "I thought we could have a talk." 

"Yeah?" Wonshik asks, leaning his back against the counter. "Do you want any help?" 

"No, that's fine," Hakyeon says, a small smile on his lips. Wonshik nods and is about to leave when Hakyeon speaks again. "I'm going to tell them." 

Wonshik slides across the floor to stand right next to him. "Really?" Hakyeon nods. He looks confident, but the shakiness in his smile fools no one. "Hyung, seriously! Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I'm telling you now," Hakyeon says, shrugging. 

"This is so great," Wonshik says, gripping the other's shoulder to show that he is not even a little worried, when he is, in fact, very worried. Hakyeon smiles at him, and Wonshik helps him set everything up on the living room floor, and then he gets the others, lures them out with promises of snacks, the only thing that never fails. 

They sit, Wonshik between Hakyeon and Hongbin, with Taekwoon on Hakyeon's other side, followed by Jaehwan and Sanghyuk, completing the circle. They talk about everything that has happened recently, how their comeback has been postponed for an entire month, problems in the business side, yada yada yada. Wonshik finds himself thankful, when Hongbin is all smiles as usual, for the other members' ability to forgive and move on. You have to be, he supposes, in this industry. Holding grudges won't get them anywhere. But he has a sneaking feeling that Jaehwan never really does, that he remembers everything, and cares enough about their wellbeing to tell himself it doesn't matter. Jaehwan is the only one among them who can survive without forgiveness.

"Honestly," Hakyeon says when the plate of apple halves is empty and only the driest crackers remain, "I want to tell you guys something." 

Wonshik's breath gets caught in his lungs and he waits, giving Hakyeon a look that he hopes is supportive. He shouldn't be worried. He  _refuses_ to be worried. These people are his family. 

"What is it?" Hongbin asks, eyeing a cracker suspiciously. With every right. 

"I..." Hakyeon begins, but falters. "This is really hard for me to say, so I'm just going to say it." 

That breaks Hongbin's attention away from the snack in his hand. Wonshik wants to laugh, but holds it in, and instead he focuses on Sanghyuk's worried expression. "Is it bad?" 

Hakyeon shrugs with a laugh, but there are tears in his eyes again. "I'm... I'm gay." 

They all fall silent, and Wonshik has to repress his want to sit in front of Hakyeon and shield him from any negative reaction they might have. He looks from Taekwoon to Hongbin, all around the circle, but none of them say anything, and their faces show nothing but surprise. 

Jaehwan speaks first. He doesn't even look surprised, not pleased or otherwise, and he looks at them all before saying: "Okay." 

Hakyeon widens his eyes at him. " _Okay_ ?" he repeats. "Just like that?" 

"Well, it's not like it isn't obvious," Jaehwan replies, reaching over to grab another dry cracker. Hakyeon pales, and Wonshik thinks  _no, hyung, not that_ . Jaehwan looks up to see the horrified expression on their leader's face, and seems to realize his mistake. "I mean, ah, I don't mean it like that," he laughs. "Call it gaydar. Between one gay person and another, I mean." 

Everyone's attention turns to Jaehwan. "Are  _you?_ " Hakyeon asks when he finds his voice again, and Wonshik thinks he can see a thin layer of sweat around his temples. 

"Oh, no," Jaehwan says. "Bisexual." Hakyeon's mouth forms into an 'o'. Jaehwan holds up his cracker. "Cheers," he says, before swallowing it in one bite. 

"Really? You, hyung?" Hongbin asks, and Jaehwan throws him a confused glance before he nods. Wonshik looks from Hakyeon to Jaehwan and back again, and Hakyeon looks both surprised, relieved and a little... stumped. 

"So, let me get this straight," Hakyeon says, and Jaehwan gives a gurgling laugh at the word 'straight' (some of the power from the cracker comes out of his nose), "Ken being bisexual is somehow more surprising than me being gay?" 

"Kind of," Sanghyuk says, and even Taekwoon gives a slight nod from his corner. 

"But... you guys don't have a problem with this?" Hakyeon asks then, sounding suspicious, almost challenging, like he wants someone to say something just so he can defend himself. Wonshik realizes it then, that Hakyeon probably always feels more or less accused, more or less guilty, regardless of if someone insults him or not. 

Sanghyuk shakes his head, playing with his fingers a little. Hongbin shakes his head, too, but shrugs and says: "It's none of  _my_ business. Whatever floats your boat, hyung." 

Taekwoon inches further into their circle. "You... You won't do anything rash, will you?" he asks, eyeing Hakyeon seriously. 

Hakyeon shakes his head, seeming almost relieved that he'll get a reason to defend himself at least somewhat. "I would never risk it," he says. "Please trust me on that." 

And Taekwoon nods, biting his lip. "Then it's fine by me." 

Wonshik catches Hakyeon's eye and smiles, but Hakyeon doesn't seem ready for that just yet. "Can I just..." Sanghyuk asks, raising his hand, "hand up if you're straight?" 

And in just a moment, Wonshik wonders if he's supposed to raise his hand, for his own sake or for the others', because he isn't completely sure if he's straight or not – but then again, a straight person wouldn't get off to gay porn, would he? So, he does nothing, and it takes him a few moments to realize that the only two with their hands in the air are Hongbin and Sanghyuk. 

His eyes lock with Taekwoon's, and they both look equally shocked with each other's confession. Then he looks to Hakyeon, whose eyes go from  _You?_ to  _How come you never told me_ to  _Oh, I guess that's none of my business_ , all in the span of two seconds. Wonshik laughs despite himself. 

He arrives back on earth with Sanghyuk's shocked "Hyung!" and he looks over to see him switching his gaze between him and Taekwoon, like he can't comprehend what he's seeing. Wonshik chokes. "Hyung first," he coughs, gesturing towards Taekwoon, who looks completely unfazed. 

He doesn't look at either of them when he speaks, and Wonshik has known him long enough to know that even though Taekwoon doesn't get very insecure, he is definitely out of his comfort zone right now. "I'm not gay," he says, and frowns a little. "But I'm not straight. I'm... neither. I don't get attracted to people." 

"You're... you're asexual?" Hakyeon asks carefully. Taekwoon gives him a short look before shrugging. "But when you were together with—" 

"Oh, we don't say her name," Hongbin reminds the leader loudly, and Hakyeon catches himself with a hand over his mouth. 

"When... you two were together," he corrects himself. "Didn't you..?" 

Taekwoon rolls his eyes. "We did." 

Hakyeon stares at him expectantly. "And?"

"And?" Taekwoon repeats. "It was good." 

Hongbin covers his eyes with his hand as he laughs, and Sanghyuk looks a little too pleased for Wonshik's taste, but he lets it slide. Mostly because since no one wants to push Taekwoon into saying too much, they have all directed their attention to him, and he realizes he still has some explaining to do. 

"So how about you?" Hakyeon asks, lightly slapping his knee, and Wonshik supposes he had it coming. 

"I'm..." he tries, looks around the circle and feels enormously embarrassed. "It's a bit hard to explain, but I think I'm... pansexual."

"Huh?" Hongbin says, "What's that?" 

"Well," Wonshik replies, clearing his throat, too aware of Hakyeon staring at him thoughtfully. "It basically means that gender doesn't matter. You... like everyone, to put it like that." 

"Really?" Sanghyuk asks, laughter tumbling out in his words. "No wonder your lyrics are all so perverted then, hyung, if you're attracted to everyone!" 

Hongbin looks like he wants to laugh, but then he catches the look on Wonshik's face, and he stops himself.

"That's mean," Jaehwan mumbles.

"Listen, you brat," Wonshik says, anger welling up as he turns to the youngest, "it's not that I am attracted to  _everyone_ , it's just that I have the ability to be. Got it?" 

"Alright, alright," Sanghyuk says, holding up his hands as his smile slowly falters. "I'm sorry." 

"You should be." Sanghyuk nods, but a trace of his smile is still alive. "I'm serious." 

"Yeah, I know, me too. I really am sorry." 

"Okay," Hakyeon says, clapping his hands together to divert their attention. "Sanghyuk will learn to think before he speaks and then we'll start to clean up in here—" 

"No, really," Sanghyuk says, leaning across the circle to place an arm on Wonshik's elbow. "It was a dumb joke, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be joking about stuff I don't understand." 

And something melts in Wonshik. "Apology accepted," he says, because he still remembers the importance of forgiveness. 

"Aw, Hyukie," Hakyeon coos, and the youngest shakes his head at him. And there's nothing new in Sanghyuk's eyes, no resistance to Hakyeon's manhandling and fussing that wasn't there before, no ancient homophobia that needs to melt and thaw, and they are still the same people they always were. 

Wonshik looks around at all of them as this short intermission of labeling in their busy lives come to an end, and the only thing that has changed is that most of their hearts feel lighter. Never, he thinks, has he been more thankful to have them by his side.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"I can't take it anymore," Hakyeon groans, head against the wall next to the window. His fists are red and sore from having given said wall a long and aggressive beating, and there are tears in the corners of his eyes again. 

Wonshik watches him do his thing. The things that were supposed to become easier for Hakyeon after accepting who he is haven't changed. The breakdowns still come, just as often as before, and the only difference is that now the other members understand what is happening, and they leave it up to Wonshik to try to sort him out. Just as always. 

He supposes that's something, at least. But watching Hakyeon torture himself over the same issues over and over again isn't getting any easier. 

"You can," Wonshik tries. "You've made it this far." 

"I can't," Hakyeon cries into the wall. "I feel like I'm dying." 

"Hyung, tell me what's wrong. What are you thinking of?"

"I— I need someone," he sobs. "I want to love someone who loves me. Why can't I have that?"

"You will," Wonshik assures him. "Someday, I promise you." 

"Why did I have to turn out this way?" the older pleads, rolling his body along the wall until his back is leaned against it instead. "Why couldn't I be normal?" 

"You are normal," Wonshik says, heart aching at the sight before him. "You will meet the right guy at the right time, I promise you." 

"You don't know that," Hakyeon cries. "I feel so fucking alone." 

Wonshik gets off the couch he was sitting on. He walks up to his leader, who has his eyes downcast, staring at the floor as he holds his forehead with one hand, as though he has a terrible headache. Wonshik puts his hands on his shoulders. "No matter what, you are not alone, hyung. Do you hear me?" Hakyeon nods, but Wonshik can tell it doesn't help. "I'm right here. The others are here too. We're all here for you." 

"But I need more," Hakyeon cries. "I need someone to love me,  _really_ love me, like in the movies, or the songs we sing day in and day out." 

"You will, hyung," Wonshik repeats, wiping a tear from his cheek. 

"I wish I could just walk up to a random guy, celebrity or not, and ask for his number, but I can't fucking do that, can I?" Hakyeon rambles. "I feel like I have to choose between ruin all of our lives or just my own, and I hate it, I hate it so much." 

"Deep breaths," Wonshik says, simply because that's all he can think to say. 

"No, fuck you," Hakyeon says, knocking his hands off his shoulders. "You said accepting myself would make it easier, thinking I actually deserved to be who I am, when there's no fucking way to be this mess of a person anyway." Wonshik feels a knot in his stomach, guilt, maybe, or just sadness over the fact that this is the truth. Even though he didn't want to see it, maybe Hakyeon is right. Maybe there is no way to live your life as a gay person in this industry and be happy. "You keep talking about being myself and embracing who I am, yet you couldn't even tell me you're pansexual yourself, so what the fuck do you know? No matter what, you will always have your attraction towards women left in you, so you can always turn around and pretend to be normal without suffering, but I can't do that, Wonshik, okay?" Wonshik takes a step back, a little frightened by the hateful glare in Hakyeon's eyes. "So don't think you understand. You really don't."

"Yes, because if I fall in love with a man, it's just to turn around and go looking for a woman instead, is that it?!" Wonshik yells, more insulted than he can remember being in a long time. And why is that? Why is he arguing for the risk of having his life ruined? He doesn't know. 

Hakyeon's gaze flickers down to his lips for a fraction of a second before they come back up to his eyes, and this is what has changed between them since Wonshik came out, even though he wants to believe nothing changed at all; Hakyeon sometimes looks at his lips when they're standing closely together and Wonshik thinks he can see what he's thinking. He thinks he can see the thought as if it is physically there:  _I could kiss him right now and I wouldn't have to deal with his homophobia_ . But Wonshik knows that Hakyeon is desperate for intimacy, and no matter how much he clings onto all of them it can't be satiated. 

And who knows, maybe Wonshik is just imagining it all, anyway. 

But god help him if he isn't at least a little bit curious. 

Hakyeon throws his arms into the air to show how little he cares, and then he walks around Wonshik to throw himself down on their living room couch. The other members are cowering in their rooms, because Wonshik told them to. He suspects, though, that if they keep yelling, Taekwoon will come out to separate them soon. 

"You are not the only one who's scared, you know," Wonshik half-yells. "You're not the only one who's suffering right now." 

"Fuck off," Hakyeon grunts, turning over on his side to press the front of his body into the back of the couch. 

Wonshik feels like he's about to boil over, flip a switch in his head because everything is so confusing and has been ever since—, no, since always, and he's getting too fucking tired of it. He scratches at his face with his nails, as hard as he can until it starts to hurt, and he knows that all too often he needs to be the bigger person, because it's always worth it in the end. Hakyeon will come back around, and he will feel so fucking sorry about the things he just said. And that, Wonshik guesses, is punishment enough. He doesn't need Wonshik to insult him too. 

He sits down on the edge of the couch, and ignores it when Hakyeon nudges at him with the back of his leg, wordlessly telling him to go the fuck away. Shave his head leave the country, somewhere far away. Preferably somewhere much warmer, Wonshik thinks, and then he counts to ten, calms himself as well as he can. And then he thinks about it all again, and realizes what it's all really about. 

"You'll be okay, hyung," he says. "Nobody has died from loneliness."  _Even though gay people are three times as likely to,_ he thinks, and he shudders. 

"At this point I kind of wish I would," Hakyeon says, and it comes out muffled by the back cushion. 

"Don't say that," Wonshik mumbles. The sting in his heart is too much to bear. 

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say," Hakyeon says then, rolling over on his back. "I feel like I'm dying all the time. I don't know how the heart goes through so much pain without just... stopping." 

Wonshik places a hand on his leg. "I don't either," he says. Hakyeon looks up at him, and his true self seems to be back, along with the guilt. 

"Wonshik—" 

"You don't have to say it," Wonshik interrupts. "I know."

"I'm such a horrible person," Hakyeon says then, and sits up, wrapping his arms around Wonshik's shoulders. "It's hard for you too, of course I know that. God, I just go out of my mind sometimes. Do you forgive me? I'm so sorry." 

"Don't worry about it," he says, though in all honesty he feels wounded, like he was left out in the cold by the only person who would understand and share his worries. He knows Hakyeon's apologies are sincere, however, so he thinks wherever his wounds are, they should be closing up right about now. "I know it's difficult for you. And I think I've figured out how you work by now."

He realizes what that sounded like a moment too late, and he isn't surprised when Hakyeon pulls back. His eyes are sad, but he isn't crying anymore. Guilt is what Wonshik hates to see on Hakyeon's face the most. "I'll do better," the older says then, and Wonshik wants to argue, but at the same time he can't deny that Hakyeon's words hurt him. That they remain in the back of his brain. "I'll do better, I promise. I can't keep taking this out on you." 

"Don't push me away," Wonshik says, a little too fast, and Hakyeon smiles sadly at him. 

"Of course not," he replies. "I would never." He holds onto Wonshik's shoulder, and Wonshik is blinded by this image of the two of them, how much they depend on each other, how much they need each other. And for a moment he wonders how long it will go on for, until the end of VIXX or longer, or until they find somebody better. The thought leaves a bitter stripe right through his mind. 

  
Hakyeon's tears come again, almost an hour later. Wonshik is exhausted, but so is Hakyeon, and Wonshik thinks the tears have more to do with that than anything else. Hakyeon lies down on the couch, pressing his face into the back again, as if it would make him feel embraced and warm and it would help hold him together. 

Wonshik takes pity on him, and himself. So he lies down next to him, wraps an arm around his waist and holds him close. It's alright, he thinks, because it's not the first time it has happened. It's true that the members only have each other. 

"I don't want to die, Wonshik," Hakyeon whispers. It's hard to say if he's trying to comfort Wonshik or if he's scared he will end up killing himself in the end, so for a while Wonshik doesn't know what to reply. 

"Good," he says in the end. "Then you won't." 

Despite knowing that everyone dies someday, Wonshik still has a point. Hakyeon is strong, and he will get through this. No matter whether or not he has Wonshik by his side.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
But then, of course, inevitably it happens. Because all it takes is just one moment, one slip-up, and the truth is out there.

Afterwards, Hakyeon wishes they had been more careful, of course. But they weren't, the other members tell him, so there's no use in thinking like that. Now they need to focus on how to handle this. 

The six of them are up on the roof of their dorm, alone, with their cellphones piled up in a tower between them, each of them ringing and vibrating nonstop with incoming calls and messages. Neither of them makes a move to answer, and neither of them feels a need to do so. They don't know what exactly they'd be met with if they picked up, but they don't want to know. They'll deal with reality soon enough. Just not yet. 

"I'm sorry," Hakyeon says.  He receives no response. 

They are lying on their backs on the rooftop, in the same formation they sat when Hakyeon first came out: Wonshik between Hakyeon and Hongbin, Taekwoon on Hakyeon's other side, followed by Jaehwan and Sanghyuk, completing the circle. Their hands are clasped, and together they form a star with their bodies, all of them hoping and praying that things won't go too far. 

And he hates to admit it, but now that the truth is out there, it's almost a relief to Wonshik's brain, because they don't have to worry about it anymore. The consequences still remain to be seen, but Wonshik has realized that sometimes, the fear is the worst part. The anticipation stings more than the slap. Of course, it's too soon to voice this out loud yet. 

"They won't separate us," Taekwoon says in that quiet voice of his. "They won't."

"That's right, they won't," Hongbin says, and he sounds confident. Jaehwan says nothing, which worries Wonshik a little, but he tries to bask in Hongbin's faith as much as he can. 

"I won't let that happen," Wonshik says, and he squeezes Hakyeon's hand in his. "I swear to you now, I won't let it." 

He expects Hakyeon to give them a  _I'm wounded, go on without me_ -speech, but he says nothing. He doesn't cry. Wonshik knows, of course, that he feels so guilty that it's eating him up inside, and he will have to spend many days trying to pry those feelings away from the leader's guarding grip, but he will do it.  He will. In time. 

"They won't," Sanghyuk echoes softly, drowned out by the ringing of their phones. 

They stare at the clouds drifting by in the sky above them. It's all they can do right now. And though Wonshik is lost somewhere deep in his mind, he knows that the others are there with him. 

He knows a few more things now.

One: He doesn't want Hakyeon to die.

Two: Hakyeon won't die. 

Three: Neither will Wonshik. 

Four: He thought he wanted Hakyeon to stop hiding his identity, but that isn't truly it. What he really wants is for the world to stop making him feel like he needs to hide his identity. 

And who knows, he thinks sadly – someday, maybe. 

 

  


 

  
  
  
  
**VIXX's N spotted on a date with a man?**

Early this morning, Dispatch revealed photographs of VIXX's N on what seems to be a date with another man. Most of the photographs show the two together in a car, while in one of them, they appear to be kissing. The man has his face hidden by his hoodie, glasses and scarf, and there is no word on who the mystery man might be. 

_"The two engaged in this car date for several hours before they drove back to VIXX's dorm",_ Dispatch's reporter stated.  _"They did step out of the car at times, but due to the other man's heavy disguise, we were unable to establish his identity."_

Seeing it as the man with N was in a disguise, it has been speculated that he might also be a celebrity, and it has even been suggested that he could be one of the members of VIXX. 

Jellyfish Entertainment has been contacted for a statement, and is currently looking into the the matter.

 

1\. [+7,559, -107] ㅎㅎㅎ I'm excited to see how Jellyfish will handle this. If it was SM, they would probably say it was a girl dressed up as a boy to divert attention.

2\. [+5,975, -94] Wow... This is a scandal if I ever saw one. Daebak.

3\. [+4,911, -83] That is definitely a man. You can't see it well on the pictures of them in the car, but in the pictures of them walking together, he's taller than N. Definitely a man.

4\. [+4,191, -76] This is better than a drama, seriously.

5\. [+766, -17] So careless. And it's such a pity that it had to be a group like VIXX that are actually talented. I've been following them since ERROR. 

6\. [+660, -31] Remove him from the group. That's the only way to calm this storm. 

7\. [+580, -12] Jelpi, please handle this well... I'm a starlight since their debut ㅠㅠㅠㅠ

8\. [+581, -14] Will these guys be okay without a leader? 

9\. [+553, -11] Why should he be kicked out of the group? It's just a date ㅠ

10\. [+220, -64] I knew it was just a matter of time before the truth about these gays started coming out ㅋㅋㅋㅋ   
  
  
  
  
**Jellyfish Entertainment releases statement regarding VIXX's N's scandal**

Following the controversial images of  **VIXX's N** kissing a man revealed by Dispatch earlier this week,  **Jellyfish Entertainment** has finally stepped forward to release their statement.

**SEE ALSO: [BREAKING] VIXX's N spotted on a date with a man**

_Hello, this is Jellyfish Entertainment._

_Firstly, we want to offer our sincerest apologies to those that were shocked by the images that were presented to the public earlier this week. Staff did not know about the situation with N, and it has taken us some time to shed light on what has happened._

_Many people are interested in the identity of the man seen with N, and we request that you respect the privacy of not only him, but also N. Whether the two are in a relationship is unclear, but when the time is right, we will relay the information to the best of our abilities._

_VIXX are currently finishing preparations for their comeback. We have decided together with the members that N will not take part in promotions for this song. We hope that you will continue to cheer for VIXX and show them your support during this time._

_Regarding N's future as a member of VIXX, we have yet to come to a decision. We want to listen to the opinions of the fans as much as we can, so we are currently reading messages from Starlights in the fancafé before choosing where we stand. Regardless of the outcome, we hope you will all support VIXX's new song, which drops on the 28th of this month._

_Thank you._

**SEE ALSO: VIXX's N drops out from his upcoming drama 'Beautiful Stranger'**

As stated above, VIXX's new MV drops on the 28th, and their comeback stage will take place on Mnet MCountdown on the 30th.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**VIXX takes home the triple crown on Inkigayo with 'Armor'!**

On today's broadcast of  **Inkigayo** ,  **VIXX** won with their magic concept for the third consecutive week. 

**SEE ALSO: Hong Seok Cheon reveals his thoughts on N's scandal**

During the encore, leader  **N** teared up as he gave the thank you speech for the first time since his comeback as an active member of VIXX.  _"First off, I want to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone who was shocked by my actions earlier this year,"_ he said. " _Being able to meet so many Starlights here today after such a long time, I'm very happy. Thank you all for standing by VIXX. We love you. I will become a hardworking leader of a hardworking VIXX. Thank you so much for this award."_

**SEE ALSO: Controversial preview for VIXX's 'Healing Camp' episode revealed + N sheds tears as he recalls the group's hardships**

VIXX will wrap up promotions for 'Armor' next week before embarking on their second Asia tour. 

 


End file.
